


doot's discourse

by lest3r



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Humor, Stale memes, doot howell - Freeform, hostages, minor character death sort of, the doot fic no one asked for, the tiniest bit of violence?, there is fluff somewhere in here if you have a magnifying glass, this is honestly just one big joke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 16:05:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9449429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lest3r/pseuds/lest3r
Summary: dan and phil are always all smiles in front of the camera, and their relatable humor is always a hit with their audience. however, little do their fans know that there is always someone lurking around the corner, making sure that they act that way? (aka the doot fic that no one wanted or needed)





	

**Author's Note:**

> well. 
> 
> this is a thing. 
> 
> lord help me.

 

* * *

  
_christmas day, 2015_

  
_dan and phil were sitting on the couch shoulder-to-shoulder, surrounded by an overabundance of gift wrap. both of them were jovial yet comfortably exhausted, feeling a bit sleepy from waking up so early. phil’s hands were wrapped around a mug of hot chocolate, enjoying the comfortable silence between the two._

_“i’d say that we had a pretty successful christmas.” dan said with a yawn, stretching out his limbs before resting his arm against the back of the couch._

_“i’m pretty disappointed that you didn’t get me a dog, to be honest.” phil teased gently, dan letting out a snort._

_“i don’t think our landlord would be very happy if we brought a dog into the flat.” he said, phil responding with a hum._

_“he doesn’t have to know.”_

_suddenly, a loud knock came from downstairs, making dan flinch._

_“i’ll get it!” phil said, sailing down out the room and down the stairs, leaving dan alone with his thoughts. recently he had been thinking about his future, and he was looking forward to maybe making a few_ _changes. of course, phil was always going to be by his side no matter what, but when he thought of the future plans he was thinking more about his youtube career. he desperately wanted to rebrand, and he_ _thought that 2015 could be a good opportunity to do that during the tour._

_little did he know that his future would be changed in an instant._

_“er.. dan?” phil asked timidly from the doorway, his voice laced with fear._

_when dan turned his head to look at him, he wasn’t expecting to see what was standing behind phil._

 

* * *

 

“so leave a comment telling us what game we should play next, and we’ll see you guys very soon! goodbye!” phil said to the invisible audience, dan saying his own appropriate goodbye with smiles plastered on their faces. most of the comments in their last video had been talking about how their smiles felt less genuine than usual lately, but they had both written it off as being exhausted from the end of their tour. if only their fans knew what sort of shit they were going through

phil turned off the camera, sitting back in the desk chair. he swallowed softly, swimming in anxiety.

“so.. we got it done.” he said. he looked over at dan who had the same nervous expression knitted on his face, his teeth gnawing on his chapped lower lip.

“yeah.” dan said, staring at him for awhile.

“...you know it’s your turn to talk to him today, right?” dan reminded him. phil nodded.

“yeah.” he said. dan’s lower lip started to tremble.

“a-are you sure you’ll be okay? i could go again if you wanted me t-”

“dan.” phil said softly, reaching over to grab his hand. “it’s fine. there is nothing to be worried about. i’ll talk to him and everything will be fine. trust me.”

dan nodded curtly, pulling his hand away from his and curling into himself as phil rose to his feet, grabbing the usb with the gaming footage on it.

“relax, okay? there is nothing to be afraid of.” he assured dan, giving him one last touch on the shoulder before he left the room. his heart couldn’t help but shatter as he heard dan choke out a sob. he wished he could comfort him, but there was no use.

phil padded silently into the bathroom, knocking softly on the door. he heard a vicious growling noise from the other side.

“it’s me.” phil said in barely a whisper, trying to not anger whatever was behind the door. suddenly it swung open, nearly hitting phil in the nose.

there, sitting on the floor like a crab was doot howell, the man-creature that was holding them hostage and the secret that they had been hiding for two years.

  
doot was dan’s brother, a freak of nature that the howell family had been hiding in their basement for 25 years. once doot had learned about his twin brother’s internet fame he escaped, tracking dan down and deciding to blackmail him into becoming the pairs “video manager” of some sorts. everything that dan or phil did on the internet went through doot first, and if they refused to keep to their brand, there were some dire consequences ahead.

 

doot was clothed in dan’s old clothes from 2012, his snaggleteeth protruding from his mouth as he drooled. in front of him was phil’s old macbook which he used to watch their videos which was also covered in saliva. the puddle was much bigger today though because when doot was pissed, he was like a fire hydrant of bodily fluids.

“doot sez you are LATE with CONTENT” doot snarled, a wild look in his beady brown eyes. phil began to sweat profusely from his forehead, his throat feeling incredibly tight.

“i’m sorry doot! we won’t do it again.” phil said, letting out a yelp when doot wrapped his large, powerful hands around his thigh.

“you know what doot say, when content you don’t MAKIE, your leg get an ACHIE!” doot hollered, proceeding to wring phil’s leg like he was squeezing water out of a towel. phil let out a groan of pain, trying not to show weakness.

“fuck, fuck! alright, doot, just please take the usb and watch the video already!” he begged, reaching into his jeans and basically tossing it at doot’s face. the abomination caught it in his mouth, using his teeth to insert it into the USB port and load the video footage. in the back of his mind phil hoped that doot would find the content relatable and entertaining enough so he would leave them alone for a few weeks. that’d be a miracle.

the bathroom fell quiet for a while as doot watched the video, phil nervously looking at his feet.

“..did dan use joke about his soul being black?” doot asked, eyes narrowing. phil started to sweat again. he didn’t remember dan using the joke that doot had suggested, but he hoped that he did. after all, like i said before, doot hated it when they went off brand.

“y-yeah, of course, doot! it’s really funny joke.. i can’t get enough of it!” phil chuckled in an unconvincing manner. however, doot wasn’t having it. he closed the laptop and hurled it across the room at phil, hitting the older man in the stomach. phil was knocked to the ground, gasping for air as doot bounded over to him, leaning in inches from his face as he started to yell.

“YOU THINK DOOT IS STUPID, CARROT HEAD?” although phil was scared shitless, he was quite confused by the insult.

“..what?”

doot punched phil in the face. maybe he shouldn’t have said anything.

“YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPEN WHEN DOOT GET ANGRY!” he yelled. he then proceeded to grab phil’s leg again, pulling up his pant leg to expose his fine little leg hairs. “doot will pull out a hair for every time you did not say something relatable!” phil hoped to god this would end soon. doot often spend hours pulling out hairs until his leg was as smooth as a buttered baby.

doot prepared to tug out a hair, phil closing his eyes tightly. “one! two-” doot began to count, until suddenly phil heard a loud crash in front of him and a thump, his eyes jolting open.

his call had been answered.

dan stood above the unconscious body of doot wielding a heavy pan in his grip, panting softly from adrenaline. phil pushed himself to his feet speechless as they stared at each other, trying to process what had happened.

“dan, w-”

“it’s okay.” dan said, dropping to the ground as he felt doot’s neck for his pulse. “i don’t think i killed h-”

dan went silent again.

  
“fuck.”

phil’s eyes widened to the size of basketballs. “w-what are we going to do?! you killed him, dan! we could go to prison for this!”

  
“...in the only dan and phil way that we know. pretend like nothing ever happened.” he said, grabbing the lifeless body of doot and starting to drag him out the door.

* * *

 

“hey, larry, did you see this?” the security officer at the local dump said, showing the security footage on one of the monitors to his coworker at 5 pm the next day.

“what is it, george?” larry asked, pulling on his jacket. “are weirdos dumpster diving again?”

“no, just watch!” he said. on the monitor, they watched two men dressed in dark clothes toss a rather large garbage bag into the dump before hopping into a cab and driving off at around 2 am in the morning. george turned to his friend. “isn’t that sort of fishy to you?”

larry shrugged, grabbing his cap as he started heading out the door. “probably just some people getting rid of their trash.” he pondered. “i’ll buy you a pint?”

george took one last look at the security footage. “..uh, yeah, sure.” he said, heading out the door with his friend and forgetting to turn the monitor off.

little did he know, just a few minutes later, the footage showed the bag moving.

  
FIN

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading this trash fic aaaa i shouldn't be allowed to own a computer  
> also special thanks to my pals at the celestial phan network on tumblr for fueling me with bad ideas aka this fic i lov u guys  
> (btw if u want to follow me for more shit like this in the near future/send me hate for writing this dumb shit u can find me lurking around at lest3r.tumblr.com )


End file.
